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The Flat Track Bully
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Finals 2008 Another regular season behind the blue and gold (well 1 week to go for the 4ths, but let's not be pedantic), and 3 grades have their finals tickets booked. A chance for redemption for the 2nds, 3rds and 4ths after the disappointment of 2006-07. The 2nds again fell at the first hurdle last year after being a dominant force in the regular season. Who could forget as Welshy and Gaz put on a gallant last wicket stand to almost snatch victory from the jaws of defeat. Perhaps for a dubious decision there may have been a Premiership instead of a 1 match ban for D. Kiss. They get their chance of redemption with a double chance assured. The 3rds after chasing down a monster total in the semi had wet weather end their dreams of back to back glory. The sight of Syd and the Tallest Viking coming off the ground after Highton's 50 overs covered in mud showed the team would not lie down...literally. The irony of rain then halting play in a drought shortened season a hard pill to swallow for all involved. The 4ths with a star studded line up were also halted by rain against Ea Belmon in the big dance. With the ladder settled with 1 round remaining, it will again be the Viking 4ths taking on Ea Belmon in week 1 of the finals. With a great win and a humbling defeat against the boys from Winters Reserve this season, the side must lift to play in a Grand Final. Finals are what is all about, and Premierships are why we play cricket. Anyone involved in some of the stellar AT teams of the last decade to miss out on a flag after dominating all season know the heartache of losing when it matters. Anyone to have played in the recent Premiership sides knows the euphoria of taking that last wicket or making that last run to secure that Premiership. Give it everything over the next few weeks and let's see a Viking treble.
Unsolved Mysteries - The Bully is back in 2008 Someone get Robert Stack on standby, because it's time to look at those things that have made us scratch our heads in wonder over the years. The Balliang Par 3 Cup. The constant strength of the AT 2nds, when compared to the constant mediocrity of the 1sts in the early-mid 90's led to the introduction of an annual 1sts v 2nds match. The 2nds got up in the second year thanks to a brilliant knock from the late Simon Cowie. The match was scrapped after the 3rd year, and the actual cup itself was last seen being used as an ash tray after a Grand Final. Where is the Balliang Cup? Cal Gillett Was Cal in fact some sort of were wolf creature? - Year of beer raffle Clearly the best fund raiser the club has put on in recent times, why don't we do it any more?
- Anthony Stafford's hair. The little man with the big bouffant. Fat Staff as he was affectionately known possessed one of the most impressive heads of hair you would ever care to see. As a 12 year old Staff stood about 4' 9", or 4' 5" if his hair was wet. What was in his hair and how did he get that sort of volume?
- AT Idol 2. How did we convince Tone that the first one was worth replicating? Were the voting lines rigged? Was Joel Barnett that good a singer? Was the FTB walking around all night in his underpants? Was Chopper Reid in attendance or was that Kristian Lawson? Some mysteries best remain unsolved.
- Carl Rigg's mullet How? More importantly, why?
- Conflict of interests? Did Noel honestly think he could come back and play at AT whilst remaining the President of another club?
- Joey Klein Where are you Joe?
- The moon How has no one ever done a serious injury on this venue?
Navy blue 'disco' club shirt. Brad Liddicoat introduced this club shirt around 2001. Some sort of blend between polyester and corduroy? Anyone who still has one will attest to the fact they are still in as good a condition now as they were 7 years ago. What the hell are they made from? - Craig Ballard Was he the best hard wicket bowler in Geelong? Did he in fact kill 20,000 chickens on the job? Can he talk with his eyes open after a few beers?
- The 2nds Easily the most consistently strong team at the club for 15 years and only 1 flag. How?
- Vikings Why? Who decided this? Was there some sort of invasion in the Highton-Belmont area by Scandinavian warriors in ancient times that I'm unaware of? Johnny Drama would at least be proud. VICTORY!
- Manifold Heights Did they leave their sense of humour at the Cement works?
- My table tennis table I bought this down to the club in the 2004-05 season and I have never seen it again. Does anyone know its whereabouts? It has a distinctive blue paint stain on one of the corners. Please contact me if found.
- ANDREW SUTTON Where's Andrew?
Top 10 "AT" Fashion Disasters
The FTB has been somewhat restrained thus far this season. So I have gone back to what I do best...countdowns. So stand by for the Worst 10 A.T Fashion Disasters:- 10- Adam 'Sconner' Edwick wearing only licensed sporting apparel. Shirt and tie events should be safe from Melbourne Storm kit.9- Steve Verndenius' Adidas jumper with jeans and joggers. Even Jerry Seinfeld has moved on.8- Steve Zimmer's socks tucked into his jeans. At least Mark can say that flat tops used to be in fashion.7- Scott Trewin and Ian Foot. Just generally.6- Dean Welsh wearing anything with the Phantom on it. Let the Ghost who walks rest in peace.5- Zane Lugg's overalls. The pack of smokes in the top pocket and can of bourbon not bogan enough Zane?4- Mark 'Dorge' Welsh in anything. Novelty tees from Roger David, any number of presentation night efforts. Where to begin?3- Tony Page's short shorts. It's not 1984 in Maui.2- Jeremy Lane's leather pants. I hope you stopped wearing them when you stopped going to the Cazbar Jezza. 1- Craig Ballard's Hawaiian shirt collection. ![Dorge[1]](http://atccvikings.cricketvictoria.com.au/images/Dorge[1].JPG "Dorge[1]") The Original "Dorge" former Geelong Supercat and South East Melbourne Magic big man John Dorge.
Bully November 2007 Well the FTB has been AWOL for many a week due to a series of conflicting events, but finds himself BACK IN TOWN this weekend. What better return than to don the blue and gold cap and play some 4th XI cricket in the sticks. Of course, my debut in senior cricket was in the 4ths, back in the summer of 1995-96. Having played under 14's that morning, KL (Kristian Lawson) and myself were getting ready to head down to Highton Reserve and watch the seconds in action, as the firsts were no doubt playing away on turf...a rule I'm pretty sure most think should still be in force.
A call came through from under 14's super coach Dave Hose, asking if the 2 youngsters would like to play 4th's that afternoon as they were a couple short. I'll never know what it feels like to have Trevor Holmes call you up and say you've been selected to pull on the baggy green, but as a 13 year old cricket lover, I'm pretty sure I had the same feeling.
Needless to say Dave was running late to pick us up, and by the time we cleaned out his back seat, (which from memory contained a week's worth of dirty dishes, several changes of clothes, a toothbrush and toothpaste, and an old colour television...complete with rabbit ears) we had 10 minutes til start time.
The Telstar made good time though and we got to Bell Post Hill in the nick of time to take our place in the field. Captain Keith Lane, who I recall at the time thinking had to be playing his last season after making a comeback from retirement, welcomed the youngsters to the side and we commenced play. I took my place at square leg, and chased down a few balls. Kenny Davey provided some lollies to help pass the time. In hindsight, I'd probably think twice about accepting lollies from a grown man.
Afternoon tea was a revelation. Having had to survive in junior's on the biscuit I would get from Ben McTaggart, who's grandpa would bring down some Arnott's assorted creams and a can of sarsaparilla, getting some party pies and chocolate biscuits was the best thing ever.
We were chasing a heap, and despite the best efforts of Leigh Granger and Cal "Teen Wolf" Gillett, we were in a bit of trouble. The tallest of junior Vikings eased out the middle, and eased back 3 balls later. KL fared a bit better with a well constructed 1 not out, as AT lost by about 80 runs.
Where is the Teen wolf.........? Lets get the Wolf back in Blue and Gold, let the quest begin
2007 -2008 - The Bully is back...............
2007 -2008 - The Bully is back............... 2007 -2008 - The Bully is back............... 2007 -2008 - The Bully is back............... 2007 -2008 - The Bully is back............... 2007 -2008 - The Bully is back............... 2007 -2008 - The Bully is back............... Welcome back to the Flat Track Bully for 2007/08. What an off season it has been! The mighty cats taking out the big one last Saturday clearly the highlight. A day filled with so many memories for us long suffering cats fans, but none will be etched in my mind more than Gareth Donald at Club 4 Play last Saturday night. I arrived back from the big game at about 10.30pm and met him and some other boys there. Gaz was boxed into a booth, and wanted to get out. Rather than ask the people boxing him in to move, he decided it would be a far better idea to climb out by walking over the slippery, rickety table. False. The incidents that ensued are possibly the funniest thing I have ever witnessed. Telling you about it wouldn't do it justice, so I have penned a song titled 'the Gary incident', sung to the tune of 'I will survive'. At first he was afraid, he was petrified,
He couldn't get out of his seat just by a simple slide,
So then he stood up on the table, looking shaky on his feet,
He was up for just 6 seconds before he tumbled down you see,
Down he went, Head first to ground,
But the best bit came when young Gary's feet they swung around,
Kicked this bitch right in the head,
She went down like she was dead,
Then she got back up on her feet and she sure was seeing red!
Right in the eye, right in the eye.
Gary stood there while this chick just went and punched him in the eye,
Now his lip is big and cut,
and his nose is swollen up,
Right in the eye....
2006 /7 It's been a few weeks since the FTB's latest offering, but it would be remiss not to issue a Grand Final preview.So without further adieu, here is the FTB's guide to the 3rd eleven striving for premiership glory.Denis Syddall: Captain of the reigning premier, the skipper has again shown good form with the bat, steering the ship to victory with a captain's knock in the semi. Copped one in the 'groin' off Sarfraz on Tuesday night, and word has it the Syddall package is resembling Ronald McDonald at the moment…big wig of curly red hair with the matching red nose.Dean Watson: Despite failing in the semi, Watto has shown himself to be a class above all year…sadly the same cannot be said for his cheering section seen drinking spumante from the bottle last week.Ian Foot: His experience in finals will be priceless. Whilst younger men will be shitting themselves before the game, Ian saves that kind of thing for the golf course.Dean Thornburgh: Genuine all-rounder, looked a bit at sea in the semi. Sporting a special Grand Final edition flat top for this week's game, the Frog playing at the home of the Frogs will no doubt be an important factor.Shane Wight: Lead the bowling attack to glory last season, will be looking to repeat the dose. Has been labelled the "pin up" boy of the team in some circles, although when playing in the same side as Syddall, Foot, Brown etc, this recognition is dubious at best.Matthew Brown: Unknown to many turf players at the club, this bloke bowls well. Went wicketless, but was the pick of the semi final bowlers. Was talk that he may have missed the semi, but clearly a ruse…being Syd's love child, his spot was never in danger.Nathan Saunders: The young man has great talent with the bat and ball, struggles a tad in the field, but is exciting to have in the team. Is used to memorable victories, none more so than the role he played in the rebel alliance overcoming the empire on the forest moon of Endor.Michael Johnston: The tallest Viking averaged 35 with the bat in the 2nds this year and last week got the team off to a flyer opening the bat. Keen to avenge last year's GF embarrassment…in hindsight doing a nude lap of Highton Reserve next to Binney was just stupid. Adam Edwick: Sconner missed the finals last year, and made up for it with a 5 wicket semi final haul. Many cricketing purists in attendance last week are labelling it the worst bag of 5 they've ever seen. Despite this, expect the larger than life character to figure prominently with his genuine pace and lower order power hitting.Matt Wilson: Labelled 'the Cat', he showed why with some excellent fielding last week. Backed up with a cool head at the death with the bat, Matty's 20 not out at the end got the team into the big dance. Will have to curb his sledging however after being placed on a warning last week.James Brown: After struggling for much of the year, JB has come good at the right time, entertaining the fans with a well made 22 last week. Last year's 12th man, Browny would be the hungriest man in the team.
The flat track bullyGraeme Hick is getting a testimonial game for Worcestershire. I can’t remember who first labelled Hick as a flat track bully, but it stuck with me ever since. I guess for me he’ll be remembered as the player who destroyed county attacks with aplomb but who never quite cut the mustard at test level. The stats below (courtesy of Cricinfo) would seem to bear that out.  Some little known ATCC facts:
Tim Duckworth:Whilst out at breakfast recently ordered a short stack of pancakes…and proceeded to go 'all in'. Nathan Saunders:
Recently lost a foot race with a 3 legged tortoise. Jason Murray:Once invented a time machine, only to be disappointed when he woke up and realised it was all a dream. Lucas Benci:
Grinds coffee beans at work with his bare hands. Michael Cox:
Was the president of the Saved by the Bell fan club; Geelong Chapter. Dean Watson:
Was a founding member of East 17. Scott Trewin:
Did actually make runs at one point in his career. Craig Varker:
Enjoys a slice of lemon in his morning cup of tea. Aaron Sarah:
Has spent over $100,000 at night clubs in the last 5 years. Gareth Donald:
Was the front man of the short lived rock band, "The Generators". Dean O'Hara:
Drives a purple Festiva, but knows how to treat a lady. David Kiss:
Will be appearing on the next season of Dancing with the Stars. Michael Johnston:
Was recently devastated when he found out that the notorious 9th Century warrior, Bjorn Ironside was 6'8"…making him the tallest Viking. Brett Gaspar:
Has been pre-rejected by every major health insurer in the country. Andrew Kearney:
There are none. He plays cricket. That's it. Dean Thornburgh:
Is adamant that the flat top will make a comeback. Denis Syddall:
Enjoys a snifter of brandy whilst reading the Financial Review of an evening. Adam Edwick:
Used to be the personal body guard for Kate Cebrano. Chris Strods:
Used to be a wooden puppet, and only became a 'real boy' in 2001. Steve Wordsworth:
You don't want to know. James Brown:
Fulfilled his life's ambition last year when he finally got to meet the Hamburglar.
The "whatever happened to…" XI
Bobby Gray
Goes from club to club playing one game per season, before deciding that he can’t give up his true love…packing spuds at Costa's. Still represents his State in indoor cricket, making him the second AT player after Dale Hose to play for Victoria.
Steve "Dipper" Ireland
Still working at Ford, deciding whether or not to grow his beard back.
Brad Liddicoat
After cameos on Blue Heelers and Neighbours, and a sell out season at GPAC, Brad is planning his next move; a risqué one man show entitled "THAT 6 at South Barwon number 2"
Pete Webb
Still barred from returning to Australia. The movie rights from his time spent living with Sarfraz continue to be negotiated with the top Hollywood studios.
Jeremy Lane
Married with kids. Occasionally pulls out his leather pants and takes Mrs Lane out to the Cazbar for a night of dancing and reminiscing on good times of yesteryear.
Pete van der Vlist
Just recovered from a hamstring injury (suffered against StAlbans-Breakwater in round 4 1995-96).
Nathan Turner
After disappearing for a number of years, changed his name to Adam Dean and has resumed playing at the club.
Adam Hamilton
Still awaiting sentencing.
Cal Rigg
Having been awarded the 'Best newcomer- 1998' at the National Mullet Convention, he is now working the carnival circuit competing in pro competitions.
Cal Gillett
Having progressed to the next phase in de-evolution, Cal has become even hairier, begun to exhibit greater hunching of the shoulders, and now communicates through uttering "ugh and ergh".
Footnote: Still believes he was robbed of the 'Best newcomer- 1998' at the National Mullet Convention.
Ben McTaggart
Last seen working as an apprentice baker, having turned his life around from the days of being under ASIO surveillance
Morrie Iacovella (12th Man)
Put to stud.
Dave Missen (scorer)
Gave up his amateur status in the late 90's to fully utilise his abilities with the scorebook as a professional scorer, and has been an integral member of the Geelong Cricket Club ever since.
Rounding out the touring squad: Steve Ageijew
Just cracking open the first drink of the evening…
Leigh Van Ingen
Still selling his fruit juice; allowing the world to enjoy the irony that a man that looks like he has swallowed a whole sheep has made a living in the health food industry.
Brendan Blick
Playing his lawn bowls with Zane, and just started going through puberty.
Travis Mott
Still lives next door to Fred Flintstone…they go bowling every Wednesday.
Chris Dwyer
Never recovered from the disappointment he suffered from being continually overlooked for Australian selection. Wrote an autobiography entitled "The best there is, the best there was, the best there ever will be". To date he has yet to find a publisher interested in it.
The FTB gazed into his crystal ball last season, offering a series of odds. The following are now paying:Evens: Tony will be President next year, til the end of the decade even. Sconner cracking it at some stage this year. Bern getting a bit emotional at a function.3-1: The first XI suffering a middle order collapse. Johno bowling at least 1 ball off the pitch in a hard wicket game. Polka thinking "what the…" against Marshall.5-1: Gus Donald finally claiming 7 wickets in an innings* (has shortened in from 12-1)10-1 More than 40 people attending a function (other than trivia night). So with just 3 games remaining until finals, time for some new odds: Evens: Tony will be President until the end of the decade. Sconner cracking it at some stage this year. Bern getting a bit emotional at a function.3-1: Jase Murray averaging less than 100 with the bat by season's end.5-1: Tony sensationally coming out of retirement, claiming he "was joking". Gaz and Dean finding a new house in the next 2 weeks. Wheels being recognised officially as the world's oldest 23 year old.10-1 All players unavailable over the last 3 weeks being right to play in finals. A second function actually taking place this year. Murray, Cox and Benci sharing a 3 way tie for the MVP.12-1 James Blackman using his powers for good instead of evil.15-1 Meerkat to not get a bat in the 1's for the rest of the season. Vinney Kearney turns up to training.20-1 Manifold Heights finding another excuse to get upset about the FTB. Plucka joining the WPT. 40-1 Someone telling Matt WIlson to shut up. Kissy landing the lead role in Saturday Night Fever 3: Son of Tony Manero.
50-1 Froggy telling an opposition batsman to "bowl there". Watto giving up social drinking.The Hoff, following the lead of so many Neighbours characters, never returns from Queensland.100-1 Footie telling the players that due to the shortened season, subs are to be halved.
Steve Wordsworth adjusting his goggles at a rate of less than 20 times per hour.
250-1 Scott Trewin making a 1st XI hundred.
Brad Liddicoat winning the Best New Talent Logie.
An entire third XI being selected by season end with all 11 players being named Adam.
500-1 Gus "Crow" Donald being hit by a car, having not quite done enough.
Craig Varker to simultaneously combust at cover.
Viking-type behaviour
Being the 50th anniversary season, the FTB thought it may be a good time to produce his own version of the famed "20 to 1: forgettable AT moments".20: Luke Forbes turning his back and having a slash between overs while fielding. 19: Leo at Rimini getting the band to start playing during Hosco's acceptance speech having been awarded life membership of the club. 18: Anyone having to play at any of the following grounds: Windmill Reserve, Bellbrae, Hirst Reserve No 2, Flinders Peak High School, and/or Little River Pony Club.17: The Christmas party 2 years ago…there were 4 people there after 8pm.16: Craig Ballard after a few beers explaining every wicket he had taken…ever.15: A. Sarah bowling a cricket ball at full pace inside the clubrooms at Dean O'Hara in order to win a bet that he could get him out, and naturally in the process breaking a window.14: Dean O'Hara putting another hole in the same window trying to win a bet with Speedy that he could throw a coin through the hole that Speedy himself had made.13:Mark Commons dobbing on Dean and Speedy.12: Bart Turley attempting to physically intimidate Roachie.11: Wayne Olney/Stewie Helwig abusing their position as captain to bowl as often as they did.10: The cocktail and Crownie night when K.Lawson and B.Blick came to blows. Think of the fight in Bridget Jones' diary.9: Sconner losing it at an MVP count and nearly putting Dean Welsh through the glass doors into the Football Geelong offices.8: Keith Lane shouldering arms to the first ball of the 83/84 "B" Grade Grand Final and being bowled. For the record we won.7: Keith Lane giving out Dave Hambrook lbw for 157, on the basis that "it wasn't out, but the boy had had a good hit".6: The cocktail night with the 'My Shout' marquee. Awesome night, everyone had a ball and it raised a heap of cash. That said, anyone who had the pleasure of assisting in the clean up will know what I mean.5: Jason Murrray making an 'unexpected appearance' at a Guild-StMarys training session, investigating a road incident.4: Roachie headbutting a GCA Committee member at a GCA Presentation Night.3: The Lorne golf trip. Probably could have put about 4 individual entires into this list from that day.2: Roachie's 4.30pm nudie run and subsequent 'self gratification' following the 1999/2000 Grand Final loss.1: Footie, having been the chief protagonist at the club for 20 years discovered karma when he failed to make it to the toilet on time...enough said.
You can't hide in a fluro Vest There are certain events that occur in a cricketing career, that shape and mould young men, that are rights of passage if you will. The first time you turn up to a game without your whites, the first time you feel the sudden dread of realisation that you're in to bat next and you only have boxer shorts on, the first time you fire out a mate while doing an umpiring stint, and the first time you get asked to leave the playing arena by the opposition for failing to do just that. As long as the batting team is required to supply an umpire on the ground, there will be cheating, this is a given, and everyone playing cricket knows it. The general decision making process for an umpire in cricket is to factor in all the elements to an appeal, check for any reasonable doubt in his mind, and if there is none give the batsman out, if there is some give him not out. The thought process when a player is umpiring is fairly similar, but after checking for any doubt and finding there is none, the umpire will go through the additional step of trying to think of any possible grounds he can turn down the appeal. In many instances a decision will be close enough that, while out, a batsman can be given not out with nothing but a few choice words from the fielding team. This is the type of decision that is generally expected by all players. The type of decision when batting that if you are given out, you would think "I was out, but it was close enough he could have given me no out."Sometimes however, guys will cross the line. In a moment of madness, they will spit in the face of this gentleman's agreement and make a decision that is unacceptable. This is when the send-off comes into play. The FTB has witnessed many a send off in his day. One of the earliest was a young Marcus Forbes falling victim to his own ignorance of the rules. Having just turned down a red hot stumping appeal, young Forbes made the rookie mistake of offering justification for his decision. This is a last resort that should only be used with a compelling argument. Sadly for Marcus, defending his decision by saying the batsman's foot was on the line didn't go down well, and despite his best efforts to then add, "…and then got behind the line" after being informed that on the line is out, Forbesy found himself on the long walk back to the pavilion.The FTB himself has had the honour of being asked to leave the field. Standing at square leg against a rival club 2 years ago, skipper Craig Welsh went for a second run that was never there and was sent back. A solid couple of feet from his ground, the FTB's brain went into action, searching for an excuse to give not out, Noting that the keeper was between himself and the stumps, the FTB tried to use the excuse that he had not seen the keeper remove the bails, and could not be sure he had cleanly taken possession of the ball. This did not fly. Amongst a chorus of abuse, the FTB was asked to hand over the fluorescent vest to a team mate. With his genuine dislike of umpiring legendary, the FTB was more than happy to accept the rival clubs players offer to leave the field. In a moment of karma worthy of Earl, the FTB would find himself the victim of a run out that day when he went out to bat. Perhaps the most unique send-off seen by this author was not for cheating, but rather for constant verbal jousting that was bordering on becoming a physical altercation. D. O'Hara in a one day knock out cup match against "a club we are not allowed to mention" was in no mood to hear any more of the usual rubbish coming out of the fielders' mouths and began to give a bit back. Over the next 4 overs, the Hurricane and Barry Tsiatas would bait each other to the point that play was forced to stop on multiple occasions. Eventually O'Hara was informed that his services were no longer required and made his way back to the rooms. Of course this lead to a highly entertaining return bout in the filed later in the day when Barry was at square leg, which again was not too far away from turning into an all in brawl.The FTB never thought he would see a more simmering tension on a cricket field than he did that day. Wrong !. Enter C.Varker. Saturday's seconds match contained a vintage instance of cheating by a square leg umpire. As would be expected, the perpetrator was asked to leave the field, and even less surprising, D. Kiss was letting him know all about it. The departing umpire asked young David where he would be that night, as he was interested in finding him and finishing their conversation. Varks decided that this was an unacceptable proposition, saying to him "Don’t worry about tonight mate, let's finish this know!" before moving towards him. Welshy managed to cut him off, and the match went on. The lesson to be learnt is that there is a fine line between acceptable and unacceptable cheating. Tight decisions are never expected to be given. If they are, it's a bonus. However, if you misjudge the tightness of a decision and give it not out, expect the ramifications. Keep your cool, don't give back any lip, just calmly and casually make your way back to the pavilion comfortable in the knowledge that in a cricketing sense, you have just become a man.
The FTB is back nearly Un-Censored One of the great names in AT history would have to be Darryl "Joey" Klein.Joey was a gun bat in his prime, and is one of the few AT guys I can remember to play on into his 50's in lower grades. In fact, he FTB often feels cheated that his only experience of seeing Joey play was in the 4ths at the twilight of his career. The timing was still there with his wristy shot making, but needless to say, there were not too many quick singles being run when Joe was in the middle. It was an education playing in a team with Joey and Keithy Lane. It's not often one plays in a team that has 117 seasons of combined experience amongst 2 players. Joey and Keith would stand next to Keithy's combivan, trying to figure out how quick the bowler was. Apparently the radar guns used at international fixtures are unnecessary. The most accurate way to measure a bowler's speed is to tap Keithy's comby when the ball leaves the bowler's hand, and again when it gets to the batsman. Tap………tap. This would invariably lead to Joey recounting some of the quickest bowlers he'd faced. "Oh, Sellsy, he was quick. He was tap..tap!" Keith would always disagree, "Nah, Joe, he was more tap…tap". There are probably three things that Joey will always be remembered for in what was an illustrious playing career at the Vikings. The first was the day his wife came down to watch Joey in action for the first time. Not having come from a country where cricket was played, Mrs Klein was a little unsure on the rules. Joey sat in the car with her, padded up and ready to go out to bat. When it came time for him to go out to the middle, Joey strode out with great anticipation of a big innings. Sadly a first ball duck would see him have to trudge back to the car a shattered man. Not fully understanding the rules, Joey's wife upon seeing her husband return enquired "How come you came back so quick? Didn't you want to play anymore?"Something that came along as a Joey trademark later in his career was the 'Joey Klein roll'. Lacking the flexibility he had in his youth, when Joey would be forced to field a ball that required any form of running to cut it off, he would lean as far over the ball as could, get a hand to it, then roll over. Quite a sight to behold would be all 5'4 of Joey Klein in full flight, rolling over the ground to cut off a boundary. C. Welsh has come close to mastering the manoeuvre when fielding in close, but no one has ever replicated the Joey roll in the deep.But, perhaps the greatest Joey memory is his lucky undies. When Joe was in form, the jocks would not change. This obviously must have had some success for Joe, as he amassed a heap of runs over a number of years. Unfortunately for Joe, the aforementioned lack of speed and this superstition would collide in dramatic fashion one day. Of course I refer to the notorious photo of Joey having a 'nervous one' before going out to bat. Sadly on this occasion, he tried for a quick two, and was just short of his ground. If a picture speaks 1000 words, the image captured by former player Allan Boyd, of the skid marks on Joey's lucky undies would surely be a novel.For the record: D. Klein, 201 games, 4654 runs, 17 50's, 4 100's at 23.27. Joey Klein, AT icon.
More From the Flat Track Bully Before the start of the AFL season, the FTB came up with a strategy on footy tipping success. With the season now behind us, we can see whether the wise one's advice lead him to glory or embarrassment. We take you back to Wednesday March 29, 2006….The whites are still on the clothes line and already the footy season is upon us. Of course, as with most members of society this means one invariably finds themselves in at least one footy tipping competition. Often there is quite a bit of cash up for grabs, but there is always a lot of pride at stake for any self declared football expert. The FTB finds himself in his maiden office footy tipping comp this year, and despite being a new comer, was instantly thrust into the top line of betting when potential winners were being bandied about last week. Why is it that because someone plays the game they are considered to have the clairvoyance to predict what is increasingly becoming a very unpredictable sport? If anything, those who have minimal knowledge are often the best tipsters. I'm not talking about those people who literally could not name a player, but those who follow it just enough to know who the good sides are, without having the added knowledge of the fact that Richmond have won just twice against a Geelong side containing an Ablett, or that Essendon wins 77% of its matches when the opposition has a player with a surname beginning with V.In fact, the old adage that ignorance is bliss, is perhaps never more evident than in footy tipping. The more someone knows, the more in depth one looks at a match, the more likely they are to start making ridiculous selections based on a statistic that in their mind is a stroke of pure genius, but in all reality is about as logical as the red shorts Essendon wore due to the introduction of colour TV. Over-analysis is every footy expert's biggest fault when it comes to tipping. It's why a celebrity chef, or travel reporter usually tips as many winners as a bloke who played 250 games of league footy and makes a living writing in depth analytical articles each week in the Herald Sun. The FTB reckons the best way to avoid such folly is to set rules and stick to them. Never tip Freo in Tasmania. Always tip West Coast and Geelong at home. The previously fundamental rule that you should tip Brisbane every week no longer applies. Adelaide actually are an ok team and you are allowed to tip them. Essendon are rubbish. Don't tip them. Because you support a team, you are biased. Remember that. Because you don't like or rate a team, you are biased. Remember that. Most importantly, always remember that Melbourne are the most unpredictable tea in football and will make or break your tipping season. Post Script: The Flat Track Bully went on to tip 117 winners for the season, finishing second in the Coulter Roache tipping comp and collecting a cool $200 cash.
That was the season that was…..
What a big year it has been in cricket! The season began in the off-season with the news that the GCA would be abandoning its 20 team Division 1 format after just one season, and that the Vikings would be one of the unlucky 4 teams to be relegated to the expanded second division. This news sending shockwaves around the world, being greeted with disbelief by passionate AT followers as far away as London. Then the news that Dean Watson would be stepping up into the vacated coaching role. Watto, a passionate leader would have a grand vision of a club championship, all grade making finals and of premierships. Results being third in the club championship, all grades playing finals, 2 grand finalists and one premiership not a bad return. There were some new faces. Shaun Benson the early big name signing. He would go on to bowl magnificently all season, often without luck, but always miserly. Michael Stewart finally got his clearance signed and became a handy contributor in the firsts. Poor Stewie, the season was probably about 6 weeks too long, but is a long term turf cricketer of the future. Perhaps the 2 best new faces were the one's picked up by chance. Donald and Johnston mentioned to Coach Watson that they're housemate was alright. Brad Wheeler would only be available half the season, but dominated some seconds game with the ball, and got the firsts over the line with the bat in the semi final. Then there was one of the best phone conversation ever to occur in AT cricket history. President Tony Page calling former VP Michael Johnston. "Johno", there's a bloke I work with who heard me talking about cricket. He asked where I played, I told him AT, and he said he knew you and Gazza"."Oh yeah, what's his name Tone?"."Jimmy Polkinghorne…is he any good?""Yeah Tone, he can play".With that AT picked up the man who would form the backbone of the firsts batting line up all season, would win the competition batting average, and who would go down in folk lore as one of the best low key recruits in history. It was like picking up James Hird at pick 92. We all hope that work doesn’t take the great man away from Highton Reserve any time soon. Tony, did you catch that!There was the return of Aaron Sarah and Jay Clark to action. Two quality turf cricketers who would have great seasons. The inclusion of Brent O'Donnell and Dean Thornburgh into the mix, 2 more valuable contributors. The end result was a stronger line up than we had in most games last year in the top flight. One could only feel sorry for Jake Cranny. With the playing group this year available last year, we probably would have snuck in to Division 1 again.Of course every cloud has a silver lining, and the way the club regrouped and stamped itself as a Division 2 powerhouse was awesome. The club is thriving, and will hopefully continue to thrive off the field, a rare feat for AT, as well as on the field. Speaking of which, let me share my thoughts on the best 3rd eleven to have represented the Alexander Thomson Cricket Club. The 2005/06 Premiers, and a top bunch of blokes.Denis Syddall: The skipper is a gun bat, great fielder and even better leader. Would do anything to help the team win, and often sacrificed his body to do so. Ian Foot: Keithy Lane summed him up best on Saturday. "I know he's a smart arse, but underneath it all, he's a good kid." Andrew "Vinny" Kearney: Colin Helwig medallist. Too good for thirds, it's a shame he can't get to training. I think would make an excellent captain. What was with the red bike shorts though Vin? Dale Hose: The Package eased into the team after Christmas and filled the spot we were lacking, a genuine glovesman. Can bat a bit too. Always willing to give advice and offer encouragement. Geoff Hassler: When Hitler dreamed of the perfect Arian race, I'm sure the Hoff was what he had in mind. Technically the best batsman in the team, and only 17 years old. Don't be surprised to see him become the best of the current 3 young guns. Matt Binney: When he gets going, one of the best bats to watch going around. The innings against Corio Bay in the seconds showed that Matt could be anything. Great bloke all round. Grant Welsh: Last year's skipper, came in late in the year from the 2's. Never saw his best, but I've played enough cricket with Billy to know how much he puts in. Genuinely wants his team mates to do well and always encouraging.Dean Thornburgh: Proved a great pick up. Made some quality runs down the order all season, and always chimed in with a couple of wickets. Always a presence around the club, loves his poker and a few beers. Great bloke to have at the club.Michael Johnston: The FTB knows Johno well. Bowled a treat before Christmas when he came down from the 2's, couldn't buy a wicket. Bowled crap after and took 20 odd. Semi final knock was probably his best at the club. Always happy to contribute to off field functions. The FTB reckons he's not too bad a bloke.Tim Duckworth: The fact he played firsts in round one suggests he was playing below his ability. Great with the ball all year, got better with the bat too. A live wire in the field, I reckon he eats cricket balls for breakfast. Got involved off the field this year, organising the poker night. Bowled us to a premiership. Enough said.Shane Wight: 44 not out off about 15 balls. Then hardly batted again. Was awesome with the ball. Filled the strike bowler spot many felt the 3rds lacked to win a premiership. The semi final was awesome.James Brown: Best 12th man to carry drinks. Was good value in the team all year. Great to have him be a part of the win and enjoy it. What a year it was. The support to the FTB has been great, so watch this space in the off season as the Bully continues due to popular demand.
2 out of 3…and that ain't bad. Grand Final week is here, and for the 2 remaining sides, it is the biggest game of cricket for many years (if not ever) for every one of the players. The FTB has been to the big game just once before in his cricketing life, and alas did not come away with the title. Nerves will no doubt be building steadily during the week, and by Saturday, (using the terror alert categories), will be upgraded to Orange. If last weekend is anything to go by, it's a good time of year to purchase shares in Sorbent…a lot of nervous energy being expended. The FTB has already begun to feel the nerves with a near career threatening case of writer's block striking this morning. Fortunately it appears to have been only a minor set back and a full recovery has been made. With three finals played on the weekend, a recap on the heroes and villains seems appropriate, so sit back and enjoy the FTB's first ever "What's hot and what's not" list.Hot:
The 1sts
Suspect batting line up, strike bowler is in his 40's, in short…not rated. One win away from a premiership. Dean O'Hara Often the scapegoat in poor team batting performances by the 1sts, stood up in the second innings when the season was on the line. James Blackman
If only he would use his powers for good instead of evil...Duckworth, Johnston and Hassler
Still to play in a loss this season
Not: Qualification rules: Billy Welsh gets the nod to play from GCA and Luke Olsen miss out on a Grand Final Paying to play finals:
Tony, Ian, what's up with that?
Commonwealth Games:
The best shows on TV taken off, you wouldn't want to have to drive to Melbourne, and school kids are running amok on the streets. Who cares if Australia has better swimmers than the Isle of Man! Best of luck to the 1sts and 3rds this weekend, I can smell some premierships in the air!
Issue 10 from the archives of the FTB.......You Can smell it in the air..!"Can you smell it?" Stevie V said before drawing in a couple of exaggerated breaths. "Can you smell it?" Stevie V said before drawing in a couple of exaggerated breaths. The blank faces on the 4 young team mates in front of him suggested that clearly, no, they didn’t smell it. "Finals!" he explained. "You can smell it in the air!" The time of year we play all season for is here. Most importantly, the ones make their first return to March action since the Grand Final defeat to North Shore in season 99/00, and the infamous drunken antics of the current Newcomb and District captain/coach. The solo nude lap of Highton Reserve at 4.30 on a Sunday afternoon would have been shocking behaviour for most players. Of course Roachey wasn't most players. The seconds finished minor premiers, and with a bowling attack that would rival many first elevens are looking to repeat the glory of 2002/03. One of the FTB's great memories of his early days at the club followed a second 11 premiership against Little River. With victory obtained and talk of the ritual bonfire, attention turned to a sign that some loyal River followers had made and hung over the fence, "Come on Little River. Go boys go!" Under 12 coach Dave Hose set the challenge to the FTB and a young Anthony Stafford; "Get the sign, and I'll buy you 2 cans of coke each and a Mars bar". The stealth mission took place under the guise of an errant throw of a tennis ball to the fence. One corner untied. So close, I could taste the first can of Coke. Then disaster. We were sprung. It was all over and in such a situation it was every man for himself. The FTB, still showing some of the speed that saw him crowned the fastest 10 year old over 200 metres in Geelong, made it safely back to the rooms. Little Staff wasn't so lucky. He got yelled at and returned in tears. He was never the same. The thirds also minor premiers and genuine premiership favourites. In fact, 3 players are yet to taste defeat this season. Duckworth, Hassler and Johnston all looking to recreate their own version of 'Remember the Titans', and go the perfect season. Of course there is added interest in the thirds premiership chase in the form of the quest for bowling aggregate rights. With the loss of the self-proclaimed best hard wicket bowler in Geelong, an intriguing battle looms. Colin Helwig medallist Vinnie Kearney leads on 18, ahead of Wight, Duckworth and Johnston on 17. With what should be 2 games remaining, an historic 4 way tie could occur and bring tears to the eyes of Tony and Footie when they have o fork out for 3 extra trophies. Of course it is dangerous to get carried away. Who could forget the great seconds teams of the mid-late 90's that continually lost to Uni in the big one. Or the undefeated season of the 98/99 4ths that came to an end in the Grand Final, when 300 runs and 11 dropped catches destroyed what was thought to be an unbeatable team. Funny things can happen in finals, the FTB may even concede no extras! Finals is what it is all about though. So let's hope for 3 from 3. I can smell it in the air!
Issue 9 from the archives of the FTB There are so many selection dilemmas out there at the moment. Everyone has an opinion on it. Who should be in, who should be out, what's the right balance. But before the censors start getting ready to cut me off, I am of course referring to the national side, and the continuing selection of one Simon Katich. Some cheap runs at the end of the summer at a strike rate of 50 saw many in the media ease up on him. Certain members of the AT cricket club were having none of it though, and the "Piss off Katich" movement was launched. The movement had its first public appearance at the trivia night, and were ready to take their message to the people. Unfortunately, a Katich century days earlier, and the fact charter member James Polkinghorne was absolutely blind, meant that the message was somewhat overshadowed. The movement perhaps going the same way as Donald that night…blind drunk falling through a chair. But the movement continues, and our message remains the same. Simon Katich has no business being in the Australian one day team. His slow and steady batting technique has no business at the top of the order (or in the middle or tail for that matter). His performance 3 days ago in South Africa highlighting his complete lack of ability to maintain a run rate. When the team is at 4-7 after 10, and an opener is still in, he needs to be the one to work the ones and twos, keep the score board ticking over. Why in 2006, Australia feels the need to bring Geoff Marsh mark 2 into the side is beyond me. Australia are about 15 months away from the next world cup. Not that long to get the right mix of players together. Ponting, Hussey and Symonds form the backbone of the batting. Lee the bowling. Assuming Gilchrist is still Gilchrist, that leaves 6 spots to be sorted out. McGrath in theory will be there, and Clarke will hopefully be a member, but that still leaves 1/3 of the team to be figured out. This makes the decision by the selectors to persevere with Katich at the top of the order even more ridiculous, especially when Phil Jaques is waiting in the wings. The game has evolved beyond the likes of Simon Katich opening the bat. Maybe he could concentrate on scoring 5000 runs each winter in England, or go and play shield cricket in Tasmania on the Bellerive Highway, scoring double hundreds with Michael Bevan. Frankly, I don't care where he plays as long as it's not for Australia. So on behalf of the movement, let me say, "Piss off Katich" !
Issue 8 from the archives of the FTB Removed by Editor.
Issue 7 from the archives of the FTB Trivia Night. I don't know why, but for all the poorly attended functions AT has, the trivia night is always a big success. Professional tables of middle aged married couples, who seem to have no link to the club other than a nephew who played a couple of under 12's games when Benny Northeast was coaching back in 1992, seem to annually appear and then vanish without question. Presumably with their platter of cheese and cabana.Of course, the trivia night has its mix of these tables, the standard young single guys table that loses interest and gets smashed is always a popular fixture. Then there is the young kids table. This table has lacked somewhat in recent years. Although genuine child prodigies Chris Strods and Geoff Hassler are on it, the junior players table has failed to reach the heights set during the 90's by arguably the most successful AT Trivia night table in history. The Dudemongers.Formed in the season of 1992-93, the Dudemongers was the brainchild of then under 12 coach Dave Hose. The other 5 chairs being filled by some of the stars of that under 12 team. In its first year the Dudemongers would finish 3rd, and had it not been for 10 bonus points on offer for teams that had paid their entrance fee in advance of the night, they would have won. For the next few years, the core group would stay constant, and more top 2 finishes would continue. Demand for a seat became so popular a 2 year waiting list was established, and talk of a second sanctioned Dudemongers table was briefly discussed.During this period, there would be fierce rivalries with perennial front runner Russell Sarah's table. The high flying barrister always struggling with the notion his title could be threatened by 13 year olds. A love hate relationship with Simon Hose would also develop. During the height of the tensions, a table named "Death to the Dudemongers" was infamously formed. However after the early difficulties, a mutual respect would develop, and Hos could often be heard throwing his full support behind the
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